Secondly, the 2021 edition of the Crown Jewel PPV is actually watchable as well as you know, GOOD!?
I swear to God, their marketing didn't get me.
The Usos defeated the Hurt Business in a solid tag team bout. This may sound repetitive but God, I'm so happy that The Hurt Business are reunited and guess what? It feels so good.
Images via WWE.com
Seth Rollins vs Edge In A Hell In A Cell match.
We kicked things off hot (get it? Because it's taking place in Saudi Arabia).
The only time I can recall Edge being inside Hell In A Cell was when he went straight to Hell thanks to a chokeslam by the Undertaker (no sh*t, Omar).
The question is, did the same lose fate happen to Edge? Nah. The dude prevailed in the end with a stomp on Seth Rollins while the chair was on the mat.
I enjoyed the hell out of this encounter (pun intended). The ending was a fitting note to a feud that has exceeded my expectations.
And you know the match was good when Michael Cole on commentary uttered the word "wrestling" which, by the way, is the only positive about the Saudi shows so far.
Mansoor vs Mustafa Ali.
The camels looked at the camel clutch move and said, "Hey, that's a move famously performed by an Iranian".
All lame banter aside, the match was okay for what it was. Mansoor won the match to which he was attacked by Mustafa Ali *Michael Cole's voice* from behind.
And then, a Saudi Olympian by the name of Tareg Hamedi kicked Ali's head off aka something Eric Bischoff tried to do in his match with Steve Austin 18 years ago but failed miserably you know, like Vince McMahon's other business ventures.
It's a way to keep the local crowd happy so I ain't mad at that choice.
RKBRO vs AJ Styles And Omos For The RAW Tag Team Championship.
A decent tag team championship exhibition but wasn't anything noteworthy either.
RKBRO retained their red tag belts once again which made me ask one obvious question. Can the tag champions move on from this feud, please?
Doudrop vs Zelina Vega. Queen's Crown Tournament Finals.
The women competitors wearing the same attire but with different shirts, feels like I'm watching an entire performance centre training session.
The match was fine. Zelina Vega became the first-ever Queen's Crown winner with a sunset flip of sorts.
The tournament was a stinker but at least for the first time ever, Vega actually won a match so that's nice.
Goldberg vs Bobby Lashley In A No Holds Barred.
What an interesting name for a match stipulation taking place in Saudi Arabia.
Goldberg gave Bobby the jackhammer and didn't go for the pin but he did spear Bobby Lashley through the stage table area which led to the victory of good old Billy.
I didn't know a no holds barred match would include pinfalls outside the ring.
Well, that was surprisingly decent. However, The match proved to be one thing, Goldberg is the new face of the word "mediocrity".
Yes, I've used that joke for Smackdown in late 2019 but I'm running out of materials so please, just pretend to laugh and move on to the next match review.
Xavier Woods vs Finn Balor. King Of The Ring Tournament Finals.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! My man, Xavier Woods has accomplished a life goal of his which is, of course, to win the entire King Of The Ring tournament.
Much deserved. The match was a tiny bit short for my liking but the ending was worth the entire final match of the tournament.
If that doesn't convince you that The New Day is the most successful stable of all time since The Union, I don't know what is.
Big E vs Drew McIntyre For The WWE Championship.
*insert a tweet from either Sean Ross Sapp or Jeremy Lambert saying that a match rules*
A jumping spinebuster isn't something I'll like entirely but now I do.
Since the match included a now Smackdown performer, the ending was predictable but again, I didn't mind it because, as mentioned earlier, the match was really fun to watch.
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks vs Becky Lynch For The SmackDown Women's Championship.
Speaking of good matches. Belair's one-handed press slam to Sasha Banks is why she's number 1 in every single thing.
Becky retained the championship with a roll-up to Sasha Banks.
That finish made no sense since it was an easy avenue for Sasha to win the title. But, I guess I'll see the easy title swap once again.
Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar For The Universal Championship.
Just like Robert O'Neil being in the closing hour of every Distraction episode(#Getcherdelwareonthedistrastionshow), Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns main evented a PPV once more.
Oh and, *insert a tweet from either Sean Ross Sapp or Jeremy Lambert saying that a match rules*
Due to some shenanigans, after the ref was knocked out by Brock's F5 to Roman Reigns, the tribal chief retained the blue title with a double superkick from the Usos followed by a title belt shot on Brock's face.
Paul Heyman's loyalty comes into question even after this match had ended given he tossed the title in the middle of the ring instead of to Roman.
After the way Brock Lesnar reversed the spear, he was like "I too can become a jumping bomb angel."
So, to recap for all of you slow mofos.
Like: Pretty much every single match on the show.
Didn't like: The finish of the triple threat match.